Perseption

Why do I always get judged as being boring and judgemental. I have always been an introvert, and concervative. I have trusted very few people in my life and now trust even less. There are many reasons why I have lost faith in people; sufice to say that I have. I am not very talkative and I don't expose myself to people. It takes a lot for me to do that. It's not like I don't talk to people, it is that I don't feel people need to know everything about my life. I figure will they really care, will they help me in any way? And if they do know me will they be there for me. Well that has not always been the case.

For example I have been told that I am not fun because I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs. I don't get invited to hang out with people because I will judge those people that do do those things. I will look down upon them and not accept them. To me that is very hurtful because this is not coming from strangers this comes from people that I care a lot about. Then I wonder am I not worthy of being around these people, am I that unimportant. Are those habits more important than me. From previous experience I would have to say yes. I have been around enough people that have had these habits to know that that is what has mattered to them the most. At the same time when I have been around people that drink, smoke, or do drugs they tell me "why don't you do these. Try them, how do you know how it feels if you don't try it." They keep insisting that I do them. So I think why can they impose their beliefs on me. Why is it ok for them to tell me to do something I don't want to do. Why do I have to just sit there and take it. Because if I say I don't want to or if I were to tell them not to do it then they would be upset at me and then I would get told that I am boring, uncarring, and that I am preaching to them. When is somebody going to care about how I feel. If people want to do these things it is their business but that does not mean that I don't have a right to dislike these habits. I don't think badly about them. Several of my friends drink and I don't think they are bad people. I have known them to be responsible and not drive when they are drinking. I can't say the same about everybody. If somebody I care about does these things then I do care and I will say something.

It is not that I dislike the people that have these habits it is that I am more cautious of them. You never know when something bad will happen. When that happens is when my perseption of them changes. I learn when to stay away. I don't like being around people that get drunk and cause problems. I have been around these kind of people to learn to not like it and the problems and feelings that go with it. I don't like these things, I have been hurt enough by people who have done these things, I have no need for it, and I don't think I need to do them in order to know what happens. I have been around it most of my life, and it has done more harm than good. I don't think I need to do these things in order to get accepted by people, but then again this is where I am wrong. Apparently I do because it is from the people that I care about that judge me. Which is why it is so hurtful. I am the uncool person and those people are the ones that are fun and interesting. Hm, odd how that works.

It has never been easy to be the way I am but I have survived. I have chosen not to drink, smoke, or do drugs because of my family and the problems we have had because of these things. I also think that I would not have made it as far as I have if I would have done these things. Most of what I have accomplished I have done it on my own. If I were to fall apart would somebody be there to lift me up. I would like to think that there would be somebody willing to help me but I don't know for sure. I am not perfect. I would like to say forget everybody and everything and I will do whatever I want without worrying about anything but I can't, or better said I won't. I have many things to worry about. There is very little room for error in my life. Maybe I create it for myself but I really do not know. There is so much that I want out of life and I need to get it for myself.